“Yes, sir,” he responded, hiding the annoyance in his voice.
"They’re just shoes!!!" he yelled in his head, "They cannot rule a nation, a territory, a kingdom, and they sure can’t rule me!"
Like previous times he was angry about the golden shoes, he knew it would pass when the paycheck came. He knew he had a much easier job than most. Many considered him lucky, for he toiled indoors in a temperate palace with few tasks to even callous his hands. Ayodhya was, after all, one of the top five places to live in “Ramayana, Real Estate.”
He thought of his wife, Jasmine, and frowned. How could he ever complain when she was in the mill by the river. She always came home covered head to toe in flour, and she smelled of manure. It was so hard on her muscles and joints. He decided he needed to stop whining about his job.
He grabbed a new cloth, as he always did. The shoes were too precious for a used one, and he would be punished if they saw him using one. He had never met this Rama, but Sami wasn’t sure if he believed all the God-like characteristics he possessed.
He never lied? He walked away when told to go into exile? He broke a God’s bow?! Doubt it. That Sita sure was beautiful though, so he must have done something right.
Sami rubbed the shoes feverishly, but careful not to harm them. After all, they still had thirteen years on the throne, and he wanted to be there for all of it.
“I wish this job were easier,” he muttered quietly under his breath. Suddenly, his arm felt stronger. It was as if something magical had happened while he cleaned; doing the exact same thing became easier when he said so!
"It must be coincidence…" he thought to himself. "There is no way these shoes are magic, is there?" He pushed the sleeves up on his shirt and began flexing, looking at his reflection in the perfectly polished golden throne behind the shoes.
"WOW," he thought, "I could get used to this!"
"I wish I would never die!" he whispered loudly while rubbing the shoes, and then turned his back quickly to make sure no one was behind him. Coast was clear. He quickly checked the front and back of hands wide-eyed, then realized he probably wouldn't notice anything from that wish for quite some time.
"Hmmmmm," he thought, "I should have thought that through a little better." He decided to try again, but this time he would wish for something that could happen instantly.
“I wish I had more money,” he whispered next. At first, it seemed nothing happened. Then, suddenly, his brother came walking in, with an armed guard following. He had sorrow on his face, and tears in his eyes.
”Your wife…Jasmine... Sami… She…. I… They couldn’t stop it…” Sami’s brother choked out between sobs.
“Brother! Tell me!” Sami screamed.
“She was pulled into the mill, Sami, they couldn't stop it, she is gone,” he said somberly, head down.
The guard walked up in tune with the situation, as if he were going to fix it all.
“Here is wages she would have made for five years. It is the least we can do,” the guard stated.
Sami couldn’t breathe. What must he have done to deserve such a punishing karma?
From that day on, Sami swore to never wish upon the sandals again.
He lived until the end of time, unable to die, or be killed, which was a curse he would never wish on anyone.
Author's Note. This story is a tangent to Section 24 in the PDE Ramayana where Bharata put sandals on Rama’s feet, and then sent them back to Ayodhya to become the place-holder for Rama when he returns to be king. In this story, a worker in Ayodhya has to tend to the gold shoes.
The worker is not ever mentioned in any of the Ramayana, but I got the idea when Bharata said they would sit on the throne waiting for Rama. I immediately pictured them losing their shine and perfection, so it only made sense to put someone over them to tend to them. The story has no definitive place in the main story, so it gave me a lot of leeway when deciding my characters, their story, and the plot. This is the main reason I went with this one.
The image I have selected for "The Golden Shoes" is Bharata when he is putting the golden shoes on Rama before he takes them back to Ayodya. It gives the perfect symbolism of Bharata putting himself beneath Rama by saving the throne for him, because in the picture he is kneeling at Rama's feet looking up, while Rama is looking down at him.
Bibliography. This is based on Section 24 of the PDE Ramayana.
Whitney, I really enjoyed reading your story about the golden shoes. I found that the entire story could be described as “wow” because I kept wanting to finish the story. The twist with the shoes granting him the money he desired, but only at the cost of his wife. It created an interesting aspect of the story because it made the man question his own morals. I do wonder what the shoes are actually capable of and if they were actually evil. However, I did enjoy that you left it up to the reader to decide if it was Sami or the shoes. What if you would have brought in Rama himself at the end after Sami found out his wife was dead. This could have brought in a unique aspect of Rama interacting with the man. Rama seems like a good and generous king, therefore, it could have been interesting for Rama to be the one who gives the money to Sami. Overall though, I thought this was an excellent story that I enjoyed reading!
ReplyDelete-Trevor Eckard-
I really enjoyed this story! You added so much personality to Sami. The way that you wrote out his thoughts and paired them with his current action added emotion to the story. You didn't have to explicitly say that Sami was annoyed or jealous or angry because you conveyed it so well through your language. I remember from reading your introduction that you were interested in writing short stories as a hobby. I am glad that you are getting the opportunity to write a few and I am glad that I get the opportunity to read them. Great job!
ReplyDeleteHi Whitney!
ReplyDeleteI loved the story so much! You did a wonderful job of telling a big story in a few words. The descriptions and personality touches to the characters really pull this together well. I love the moral of the story. It is timeless and true no matter how the story is told. You did a great job of explaining how irresponsible magic works. By Sami not stating specifically how to have more money he wished carelessly and received a greater loss than his gain. It shows the great responsibilities of gods and kings to use wisdom in their thinking in order to avoid unwanted consequences. It also goes along with the thinking of relics having powers of the people who worn/used them. These concepts really blend well together in your story.
I like that you used dialogue in the story. It
adds so much depth and I often forget to use the tool.
I did not see anything that could help such as spelling, grammar or mechanics. I do like the background you chose, the watery element being a great conduit for emotion and reading great stories. I look forward to seeing more of your writings in this course.
Hey buddy! Let me start of with WOW - I loved this story of the golden shoes!! I think what I loved most was that when Sami realized dangerous the shoe-power could be, he immediately stopped. He didn't want to cause any more harm - and he even accepted that he was also in part to blame. When I read the original part in the Ramayana where the shoes were given to Rama's brother, I never really thought much more about them. You gave them their own little story! I wonder if anyone else ever discovered the shoe-power. Also, what happened to Sami's strong arm? Was it noticeably bigger than the other arm - could he lift great amounts with one arm, while the other was weak? If you had to write more on this, I think it would have been interesting to see how he continued his job. Did he go to the chief caretaker with his new secret? Maybe he went directly to Sathrugna (Rama's brother) and told him of his discovery! This story was so interesting, and I would have loved more!
ReplyDeleteI liked your story a lot! As others have mentioned, you did well with your characterization and development of your characters! You structured your story well, and used dialogue and action effectively. You also turned such a small concept, a pair of shoes, into an evocative story. Well done, and I look forward to reading your other stories!
ReplyDeleteThe story of the sandals is one that intrigued me as well! I was really glad to see that someone expanded the story of the sandals. I loved how you used the one detail of the sandals to create a story related to what you read but not the actual story that we read. It was a great change and gave the story more depth. In the end when Sami lost his wife, I really felt for him. I do not blame him for never wanting to touch the shoes again. I wonder if the bow that Rama broke would also have any affect on anyone that touches it? Maybe Rama is cursed and everything he touches hurts others that touch it as well. What if someone else touched the sandals and something good happened? Perhaps the sandals get to choose who gets what type of luck. Maybe based off of their intentions? Overall, you did a fantastic job! I loved it!
ReplyDeleteHi Whitney. I really liked your angle on the famous golden shoes. You started off strong with a pretty hilarious look inside the caretaker’s head. Actually, I thought your entire story was extremely well written and thought provoking. I can’t seem to think of a “what if” for the story especially, since you seemed you have already thought it all through. I suppose the only thing I would suggest is maybe indenting the parts with speech to set it apart from the rest of the story making it easier to read. One of my favorite parts of the story was the caretaker’s second wish. I really liked that you tied it all in at the end by saying that he could not die and that he would not wish that upon his worst enemy. It is also interesting that he questioned if the shoes were evil or if he was. It really shows the inner turmoil within himself after hearing such terrible news about his wife. Amazing job!
ReplyDeleteWhitney,
ReplyDeleteRamayana, Real Estate. Awesome. I love something that can make me laugh.
There was definitely a clear desire here and conflict from the start. The main character does not like taking care of those darn shoes. I like that the dialog flowed well, it felt natural and even. I also liked that the character had several arcs in this story. Having changes in your character helps the audience feel like they are on a journey.
I love that this is a moral story. I saw in movie terms right along there with Interstate 60. If you haven’t seen it you would love it. The moral is to be careful what you wish for because you just might get it.
I would suggest cleaning up some of the setup. It seems that your inciting incident (what changes everything for your character) happens a little late. That point is when he first wishes on the shoes. This doesn’t happen until the middle of the story here and could take place a lot earlier.
I am extremely glad that you brought in the wishing would never die again at the end. Other writers might have left that as a cheap joke and short laugh, but you used it to impart valuable moral lessons. Kudos.
Hey Whitney,
ReplyDeleteLoved this one. You took such a sidenote in the Ramayana and you truly breathed life into it! Well done. I can already tell you're a really creative person.
And the message was on point to! It kind of reminds me of the first story I wrote for this class (based on Aesop's fables). Since you'll have to read two of my stories this week, might I suggest that one :P
There were a few parts here where I felt like the flow was a little off, such as:
"Like previous times he was angry about the golden shoes, he knew it would pass when the paycheck came"
I feel like you're missing a conjunction there, or that this should be two sentences. Reading through out loud might help this.
My only other gripe is the lack of emotional response. We get a little bit of emotion from Sami, but honestly, we see more of a reaction from his brother. This is a part in the narrative to really drive home the terrible consequences of his wish, and make the reader really feel something. Do this by making Sami really feel something. It will be a little harder to write, but I think you'll be able to rise to the challenge!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWow Whitney, you did a great job with this story. It was a great life lesson on the old cliché "be careful what you wish for". While I understand Sami probably felt guilty for disliking his job while his wife did hard labor in the mill, I can only imagine how infuriating it must be to have to wait hand and foot (haha!) on a pair of sandals. It would be an interesting spin off for Sami to get to meet Rama whose shoes he has been catering to day in and day out. Maybe then Sami would realize he was foolish to question Rama's god-like qualities. That was sad too how his wishes all came true and yet they all backfired. I wonder if this had anything to do with his questioning of Rama's celestial powers? Having to live eternally know you (indirectly) killed your wife has to be the greatest punishment of all.
ReplyDeleteWhitney,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, your title and brief summary of the story from your portfolio had me hooked. I was so intrigued to read a story about a part of the epic I had not even considered! And oh my goodness, it completely blew me away. The bits of humor you used were absolutely terrific. The excitement you created from the magic of the sandals was great as well, especially because I did not expect it at all. Then, plot twist!! The fact that he wished for money and it caused his wife’s death was totally unexpected! I absolutely love how you brought it all together at the end. His wish for immortality seemed like a simple enough wish but in the end, it was the cause of his endless suffering, as he had to live with the pain of losing his wife because of his actions. This was an absolute great story to read!!
I couldn’t help but chuckle at the name Jasmine because I kept thinking of Aladdin, this is more than okay though. I’m not sure if you intended the story to be humorous, but I found it very entertaining. When the caretaker gained muscles it made me laugh, because it was a typical response of anyone who was weak and suddenly given muscles would say and do. Then again, it also took a magic genie turn, where his wishes are granted, but disastrous consequences. I love the idea of making the “bottle” a pair of shoes it gives it a different feel. The only problem I have with the story is the abrupt ending, I really wanted more! I also felt like the story had no resolution, he was so torn by the loss of his wife that a part of me WISHES he had made another wish to get her back and the consequence would be his own death (Or something along those lines) I just would like to see the problem resolved.
ReplyDeleteHi Whitney, I thought reading your story about the golden shoe was great. I like how you started of with dialogue. It made me think I was already in the scene about the shoes getting waxed. I thought it was funny how Sami talked about the shoes and how they could not rule a nation and etc. As the story went on you did a good job explaining what was going on in during each event. You did a great job introducing each character and explaining their involvement throughout the story. You also created a good storyline for the use of each character in your story. This story was filled with excitement. I thought the story got more exciting when Sami rubbed the shoes and then suddenly everything changed when he wished his job was easier. The bad thing with this wish is everything in Sami life changed and I thought this was a great twist in the story. Great story.
ReplyDeleteWhitney, I enjoyed reading your story. I did not read the PDE version of The Ramayana, and I have noticed from other classmates recreated stories that there are slight differences from the PDE version and R.K. Narayan’s version of the epic. Reading this was refreshing and different in comparison to the other stories that I have encountered so fat those semester. Upon reading the story, it reminded me of the movie “The Cobbler” with Adam Sandler, without the tragic ending.
ReplyDeleteI value that you gave much thought into Sami’s character. You described him as a disgruntled, overwork, unappreciated worker by his tone and thoughts in the beginning with his conversation that he had with the chief caretaker. I also like that with the wishes that he made, there were consequences to them.
Overall, I wish that there was more to the story to read! It makes me wonder what Sami has endured since the death of his wife, and what all he has seen since he lives a never ending life.